Learning to drive

Learning to drive standard has unearthed similarities to learning how to sing.  When I would be instructed to "feel" my way to understanding a broad concept through descriptions I didn't full comprehend or understand, I felt compelled to critically examine the ideas and force my way into understanding.   I have learned however, that sometimes, it is when we force understanding that we grind gears, lurch forward and stall.  I believe that a lot of learning is trusting your instincts and doing our best to not over examine.  This tendency in myself,  is the underlying reason for my failed attempts yesterday, to move forward in traffic, during rush hour, on the busiest street in Vernon.   As my face flushed as red as my little Echo hatchback,  the knots in my stomach tightened as I lurched forward in a most ungraceful way in front of countless strangers.   This performance anxiety was nearly debilitating.  

I spent the last four years over analyzing myself and discovering the deepest cracks and forms of weakness in myself as I strived for perfection.   So often we don't allow ourselves to be beginners - or even amateurs.   We see the bar raised by those around us and expect to somehow bypass the learning stage, and the seemingly right of passage to fail frequently in the beginning.   But I am discovering it is in those failures that we learn the most about ourselves, and our tendencies.   I discovered today after forcing myself to drive to work, that the errors I made yesterday were little and easily corrected.    My blood pressure still rises at the thought of making my way home, but the small victories are badges of honour that I need to wear more proudly as I discover my ability to drive standard.

Life is a learning process... no one enters this life a professional human being.  Everyone is figuring things out as they go.  The key is to never stop learning in our successes and our failures.

Life is... weird

Life is weird… or maybe life decisions are weird.   I’m wrestling with a reality I don’t  recognize.   I feel as though I’ve walked through a portal that has transported me into adult hood, but part of me is still living as a teen, and the inertia of the duelling realities is disorienting.   

I opened my mouth to sing this afternoon… this task proved uncomfortable, fearsome and yet familiar at the same time.   As I struggled to reintroduce myself to this distant love, I felt my heart strings pull in separate directions.   I long for simplicity and direction however mindless it is, however I still crave distinctive and deliberate change.  

Life is weird.   The closer I examine this daily walk, the deeper this sentiment settles.   We try with great effort to reduce the surprises and stresses of life, but the reality is that those curves in the road are inevitable.   

I look at where I am right now in this moment and have split-second second-takes that transport me back to life 2 years ago.   I forget for a minuscule moment that I am not on the same road I was once on.   I have come to terms with this, but this realization is - for lack of a better word- disorienting.  

As I fumble around and struggle to find my footing, I trace over the lines of my life with a critical finger. I become well aware of my faults and flaws and the overwhelming stretch of expanse that lays before me and separates me from my goals and dreams.   I talk to myself and say, “well I’d better get a move on”  or “I must start now.”   These catch phrases have been the fuel in my tank, and the determination to succeed is my drive.   

Life is weird... but perhaps the sooner we realize this the sooner we can move on and embrace the strange and unpredictable.

You are pure potential

I see hard work and dedication all around me.  I see people that are throwing themselves into things they believe in, things they believe they are capable of or want to rise to the challenge of.   I am inspired daily by friends who are exceeding expectations or taking risks that 98% of the population would be too afraid to take.   I admire this tenacity and desire it for myself.

"The slogans make it seem so simple..."  

Lately I have been inundated with quotes, (#pinterestproblem) that string together words that are designed to inspire and propel people forward.   The slogans make it seem so simple.  But the reality is that it takes daily courage and faith to push oneself past comfortable limits.  

It would seem that nothing is guaranteed in life. The ebbing and flowing of life's challenges begin to shape and change the way we face things.  I view this as something to be thankful for; that we are designed to not be stagnant.  We are ever growing and learning. We can learn to face life with new perspective daily.  In the midst of change, and taking a leap of faith, I cry out for renewed courage and determination everyday.

I am inspired by those around me.   I am in awe of the discipline, desire and drive that people are capable of.   These are all things I believe can be fostered, grown, and developed. Having the faith to find the right circumstances to encourage growth in those areas is likely the biggest challenge.  But every decision, goal, or achievement begins with a small first step.

A new adventure

‘Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different...' – C.S. Lewis

I have walked down the same road for four years.  

I’ve collected memories, lessons and wisdom along the way much like stamps in a passport.  I never questioned, or wondered where I was going.  But I believed I’d get “there,” wherever “there” is. After investing whole heartedly into this adventure, I now see that each twist and turn along the way helped shape me and has brought me to where I am now… a very obvious fork in the road.   After a close examination of my life I’ve decided to step off the well-trodden path and try something new, start a brand new adventure, this time with a destination in mind. This decision to be fearless and bold starts out with a fearful first step. As I inch my way outside of my comfort zone, I realize that, as Pinterest says, life begins at the end of your comfort zone. 

I have learned so many valuable lessons about music, art, hard work, and patience. I’ve learned more about my gift of song on this journey, and discovered that forcing it into fruition dissipates my love for it rapidly.   I’ve learned that my heart doesn’t desire what it was on the path to produce.  I want to love my art form, not resent it.  I want to desire it, and not push it away.  I am told these are all common symptoms of an over educated music major, but at the root of this decision is the realization that I never really wanted this.  It began as an escape route, a legitimate one, following a hobby I was passionate about.  I never fully examined the final result of this choice, I felt as though I was perpetually 21 and I never aged or questioned.  I was oblivious to the choices I’d have to make and unaware of the cost them.   I now realize what I want in career and sadly that realization has morphed my path into something completely different. 

These realizations coupled with other factors have allowed me to reach this conclusion with some confidence.  But despite this, there is still pain in growing up and still sadness in leaving something I loved behind.  I have met some of the most amazing people along the way, people that have thoroughly enriched my life and have made me a better person for knowing them.  As excited, as I am to start something new, I have moments of sadness realizing that this chapter in my life is coming to a close.   I think this is me growing up. It is the realization of what I really want out of life.   Music will always be a part of me and I will always value my time as a music student, but its time for something else. 

Many people wont understand, and that’s okay. I’m not turning my back on my art form; I am simply expanding my focus and realizing more of my potential.  

To all my dear friends that have supported me in my pursuit of music… thank you. 

elbow grease

when the shine has come off something,

what do we do?  In todays culture we toss it, and buy something shinier and repeat until kingdom come.  This "its broke don't fix it" mentality is hurting so many parts of our culture.   What if we were to instead polish until the cows come home and then shine is rediscovered?  What would happen if we discovered our elbow grease and the power of that particular and precious joint.   Not all that is broken is unfixable, and not all that has faded is without worth.   We give up so easily these days and expect things to change on there own.

Lessons in Toughness

I grabbed a hold of the cold lifeless stone that offered a small pathetic feeling of grounding as my mind began to spin and I felt like I was loosing control of my body.   I didn’t trust myself not to fall.   I knew that behind me was hundreds of unforgiving feet and in front of me was the rock I gripped with all the power in the tips of my fingers.  I felt paralyzed by fear, and almost unable to force movement to my body’s extremities.  I heard voices, even though my discerning mind was temporarily disabled.   Somehow, through gentle guidance I didn’t fall, I didn’t stay stranded on that mountain, and I didn’t turn around.  I pressed on and met more challenges after overcoming my fanatic fear of heights.    Feeling wobbly, and uncertain about my body’s capabilities I slipped my way up a mountain peak.  Emotionally and physically I felt numb.  I was certain my gauge of fear wasn’t working until those frightful moments and then I was all too aware of my mortality.   I realised in those moments after my paralysing fear that I am tough.   I accomplished something that my mind told me I couldn’t do.   I pursued the experience despite my fragile state.    

When I reached the top, when I realised there was no more, I had made it, I couldn’t hold back tears.  I’m not sure now if it was the shock of it all, the whole weeklong experience.  It all seemed to culminate at that jagged rock that proudly protrudes above peaks and valleys below.  I proved to myself that I am capable of things that surpass my expectations.

Tough is a word that is thrown around frivolously.   “It was a tough day”  “he was a tough prof”  “tough assignment”  “tough luck…” Tough is word that I believe defines each one of us as human beings.   We all have been dealt difficult cards of varying degrees.  But the degree doesn’t separate us from the fact that we are all fallen human beings that face challenges that are overcome everyday.    Life is hard for the best of us, and the reality is that if you are:  not easily broken, capable of endurance, or not easily influenced… you are tough.  And each one of us has been faced with times in life when it has forced us to be just that.  

Afraid as I climbed up the side of this mountain, how on earth was I supposed to get down?  It was petrifying to scramble up the seemingly unforgiving summit.    As we made our way down, I crossed the rocks that I clinged to for dear life, this time with much more grace and confidence.   My previous convictions that the journey down would be dangerously difficult were proved wrong and allowed for my blood pressure to return to normal-ish, and my focus to widen giving me the ability to see the majesty that was around me.  This wider perspective gave focus to the physical reminder of what I just accomplished as the mountain stood tall behind me.   I am capable of climbing mountains, overcoming my fears, and surpassing my own expectations.   This requires a certain level of "toughness" that I will now wear proudly.   

a blank page

I turn to writing to fill a void and to organize.  This blank space becomes my worksheet to sift through tangled thoughts that cloud my judgement or weigh me down.   This process of stringing together words, words that alone mean very little, but together have the power to tell my untold stories give me consolation.   I have found that writing when life is good, becomes a chore, but when life throws a curve ball I can seek shelter in words.  I guess this process resembles prayer, in that generally we only find ourselves on our knees if life put us there.  This last chapter of my life has formed cracks in my foundation, and highlighted troubles that I was previously unaware of.  And like any soldier, I pressed on, and fought on, knowing that this battle needed to be fought in order for the victory I wanted so badly, I hurt.   We suffer and search for meaning, and seek it out the strangest of places, only to discover that what we are searching for isn’t there.   

Life… that four letter word that seems to have infinite definitions; the life we want, the life we have… the life we covet, life given, life taken, a lifelong pursuit. What I know now is that it isn’t fair.  We suffer and search for it’s meaning, and seek it out in the strangest of places, only to discover that it isn’t there.  

Life is hard... Its luster has worn off this summer. I feel I am finally growing up. I'm all too aware of its many flaws and the need for something consistent in this ever-changing world we live in. Things I thought could never hurt me have let me down, they've broken my heart, tried to ruin my spirit and made me all too aware of our humanity.  We are not perfect beings, and because of this, we are flaw ridden and have the capacity to hurt those we love the most.

It's felt lately like my heart has been wrung dry.  I am disoriented and wounded, which makes taking a step forward challenging.  Maybe now is one of those times where I need to simply be carried by a savior that loves me, who will bare my burden with me and give me the strength I need, moment to moment.  Despite the immeasurable hurt I feel, I sense God is moving. He's shaping me and giving me a small current of peace at the center of this tumultuous storm I am navigating through.

photo cred: DawsonFriesen.com