How to be still

When was the last time you were still?   

Or the last time you quieted your thoughts and worries, and just rested?  

This world spins faster and faster and toils more and more with each passing day. In such a fast paced world we are fuelled by deadlines, requirement and problems that need to be solved on the fly. These ingredients don’t make for a peaceful planet, or peace-filled people.   

What do you do when life starts to combust and the frustrations of life wear you down?    I watched a video by Dale Partridge (link below)  this morning and the last 1 minute or so he explains the importance of slowing down. I believe it is in the recovery period of out sprint to "the life we want" that we find peace, and contentment and real life.   Striving is great, but it puts our bodies into a perpetual state of restlessness.  I believe it is in our still moments that we hear God's gentle voice, and feel his guiding hand on our lives.   We are inundated with things, and wishes and wants to a point that we are too distracted to recognize our lives are wasting away.  

I wrote about two years ago, " ...I think that I crave the endlessness of the ocean, and the majesty of mountains, or the expanse of the stars when life becomes a series of pressure points and stresses.   There is something about feeling small in the midst of nature's grandeur that reminds us that our problems, often in the grand scheme of things, are small too.  I ache right now for the serenity that I know the rocky jagged peaks of mountains can offer, to rediscover the tranquility of the sea lapping on the sandy shore, or to feel fresh air rush past my body and fill my empty lungs. There is something simple and uncomplicated in being under a canvas of stars, even though their twinkling constellations ignite finite questions."

"...I am guilty of looking at life the wrong way.   I see this chapter in the book of time almost like a holding tank while I am preparing for "real life"  but that is scary mentality to have.  We are constantly hoping and striving for more, for better.... for the next best thing.   Contentment is a dying art.   If it isn't appreciating the Iphone 4 that's in your hand because there exists a better, faster, shinier model, or the ability to take a breath and enjoying this moment however uncomfortable or stressful it is because of the anticipation for the next thing, we will live our lives without ever appreciating what we actually have.   All we have is this moment right now. I am guilty of always wondering if there will be something better around the corner...  that curiosity however, seems to only extend as far as what I "can control." I don't want to always be searching.  It is exhausting to turn over every rock, and to look into every cranny.  So despite the unknowns, despite the worries, and fears or curiosity of something more... I want to choose to appreciate right now."

Apparently this search for peace is a common one for me.   Life is hard - no matter how hard to try to control it, it is a wild beast that will not be tamed.   We tend to hold on to things that will fade, or change, or grow, and try to tell them to stay the same.  But our reality on this earth is that we have 24 hours in a day, 7 days in a week and 365 days in a year.   There is a moment in between each other those milestone where we get to start again.   

https://www.facebook.com/DaleJPartridge/videos/1674328366117596/ 

Good things take time.

We walked on a carpet of yellow leaves.  I was wearing my peacoat and a very positive attitude.   As the fragrance of fall filled my lungs,  I enjoyed the moments where peace settled as the sun streamed through the falling leaves.   All was calm.   Then in a moment, you grabbed my hand and the colour seem brighter, and the fragrance sweeter.  How do you do that?   

It's walks like those that I start to compile analysis of myself.  I search the inner most part of my being for flaws and struggle to find solutions to the "problems." I am a complicated being.  I strive for perfection in most areas of my life, and likewise wish it upon imperfect people in my life.   But the reality is that no one can come close.  We are dominated by selfishness and insecurities that stack weight on our shoulders that we perceive as a shield.  But what would happen if in those moments of searching for the fabled perfection, we search for our humanity instead and shrug off the weight of perfection. Perhaps the realization that perfect doesn't exist is a healthy one.   I am realizing that this search for perfection hurts more than it does help.   I have pushed away so many things because of this impossible quest.  

As the leaves leave the trees to find their rest at the base of what was once their home, the season is about to change again.  But each year and each season the trees get stronger and bare more fruit than the last.   Good things take time, and perfection is a false ideology and goal that wastes precious time.  

hope for tomorrow

We tend to try to safeguard against hurt. We put up barriers, and pray that they withstand life. But sometimes life forces itself through all our precautions and suddenly a storm encircles you. I somehow I managed to weather the worst storm of my life. I survived it. I came out the other end, and feel stronger, wiser, and older. I know now that storms sometimes are followed by mini storms that shake an already weary spirit. My faith in life had felt destroyed. But the realization that, I am fortunate to know that my faith isn't in life, it's in the creator of it. That knowledge, as strong as it is, isn't always reflected in my ability to cope. There are days when I desperately want to pack all my things up and move to Mexico, or just escape- somehow even for a little bit. Looking back on this year I can't believe how wildly life has shaken me. I can't believe how much the shine has worn off, and I now find myself discovering a slight bitter taste in my mouth. That sensation isn't one that my spirit defaults to, but I feel like it's the result of being kicked down so many times. Despite that, I keep picking myself up and brushing the hurt off, but man, it wears you down. I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to resent things in life, or feel like all the beautiful things have lost there beauty somehow but man life is hard sometimes. 

But you carry on and press on with hope for a brighter tomorrow, and more often than not the brighter tomorrow brings some reprieve from the storms rough winds.

Maybe the most important tid-bit in this is that my faith isn't in life, it is in its creator, the sustainer and perfecter of all things.   Life is hard sometimes, but there is always hope for tomorrow.  

Learning to drive

Learning to drive standard has unearthed similarities to learning how to sing.  When I would be instructed to "feel" my way to understanding a broad concept through descriptions I didn't full comprehend or understand, I felt compelled to critically examine the ideas and force my way into understanding.   I have learned however, that sometimes, it is when we force understanding that we grind gears, lurch forward and stall.  I believe that a lot of learning is trusting your instincts and doing our best to not over examine.  This tendency in myself,  is the underlying reason for my failed attempts yesterday, to move forward in traffic, during rush hour, on the busiest street in Vernon.   As my face flushed as red as my little Echo hatchback,  the knots in my stomach tightened as I lurched forward in a most ungraceful way in front of countless strangers.   This performance anxiety was nearly debilitating.  

I spent the last four years over analyzing myself and discovering the deepest cracks and forms of weakness in myself as I strived for perfection.   So often we don't allow ourselves to be beginners - or even amateurs.   We see the bar raised by those around us and expect to somehow bypass the learning stage, and the seemingly right of passage to fail frequently in the beginning.   But I am discovering it is in those failures that we learn the most about ourselves, and our tendencies.   I discovered today after forcing myself to drive to work, that the errors I made yesterday were little and easily corrected.    My blood pressure still rises at the thought of making my way home, but the small victories are badges of honour that I need to wear more proudly as I discover my ability to drive standard.

Life is a learning process... no one enters this life a professional human being.  Everyone is figuring things out as they go.  The key is to never stop learning in our successes and our failures.

Life is... weird

Life is weird… or maybe life decisions are weird.   I’m wrestling with a reality I don’t  recognize.   I feel as though I’ve walked through a portal that has transported me into adult hood, but part of me is still living as a teen, and the inertia of the duelling realities is disorienting.   

I opened my mouth to sing this afternoon… this task proved uncomfortable, fearsome and yet familiar at the same time.   As I struggled to reintroduce myself to this distant love, I felt my heart strings pull in separate directions.   I long for simplicity and direction however mindless it is, however I still crave distinctive and deliberate change.  

Life is weird.   The closer I examine this daily walk, the deeper this sentiment settles.   We try with great effort to reduce the surprises and stresses of life, but the reality is that those curves in the road are inevitable.   

I look at where I am right now in this moment and have split-second second-takes that transport me back to life 2 years ago.   I forget for a minuscule moment that I am not on the same road I was once on.   I have come to terms with this, but this realization is - for lack of a better word- disorienting.  

As I fumble around and struggle to find my footing, I trace over the lines of my life with a critical finger. I become well aware of my faults and flaws and the overwhelming stretch of expanse that lays before me and separates me from my goals and dreams.   I talk to myself and say, “well I’d better get a move on”  or “I must start now.”   These catch phrases have been the fuel in my tank, and the determination to succeed is my drive.   

Life is weird... but perhaps the sooner we realize this the sooner we can move on and embrace the strange and unpredictable.

You are pure potential

I see hard work and dedication all around me.  I see people that are throwing themselves into things they believe in, things they believe they are capable of or want to rise to the challenge of.   I am inspired daily by friends who are exceeding expectations or taking risks that 98% of the population would be too afraid to take.   I admire this tenacity and desire it for myself.

"The slogans make it seem so simple..."  

Lately I have been inundated with quotes, (#pinterestproblem) that string together words that are designed to inspire and propel people forward.   The slogans make it seem so simple.  But the reality is that it takes daily courage and faith to push oneself past comfortable limits.  

It would seem that nothing is guaranteed in life. The ebbing and flowing of life's challenges begin to shape and change the way we face things.  I view this as something to be thankful for; that we are designed to not be stagnant.  We are ever growing and learning. We can learn to face life with new perspective daily.  In the midst of change, and taking a leap of faith, I cry out for renewed courage and determination everyday.

I am inspired by those around me.   I am in awe of the discipline, desire and drive that people are capable of.   These are all things I believe can be fostered, grown, and developed. Having the faith to find the right circumstances to encourage growth in those areas is likely the biggest challenge.  But every decision, goal, or achievement begins with a small first step.

A new adventure

‘Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different...' – C.S. Lewis

I have walked down the same road for four years.  

I’ve collected memories, lessons and wisdom along the way much like stamps in a passport.  I never questioned, or wondered where I was going.  But I believed I’d get “there,” wherever “there” is. After investing whole heartedly into this adventure, I now see that each twist and turn along the way helped shape me and has brought me to where I am now… a very obvious fork in the road.   After a close examination of my life I’ve decided to step off the well-trodden path and try something new, start a brand new adventure, this time with a destination in mind. This decision to be fearless and bold starts out with a fearful first step. As I inch my way outside of my comfort zone, I realize that, as Pinterest says, life begins at the end of your comfort zone. 

I have learned so many valuable lessons about music, art, hard work, and patience. I’ve learned more about my gift of song on this journey, and discovered that forcing it into fruition dissipates my love for it rapidly.   I’ve learned that my heart doesn’t desire what it was on the path to produce.  I want to love my art form, not resent it.  I want to desire it, and not push it away.  I am told these are all common symptoms of an over educated music major, but at the root of this decision is the realization that I never really wanted this.  It began as an escape route, a legitimate one, following a hobby I was passionate about.  I never fully examined the final result of this choice, I felt as though I was perpetually 21 and I never aged or questioned.  I was oblivious to the choices I’d have to make and unaware of the cost them.   I now realize what I want in career and sadly that realization has morphed my path into something completely different. 

These realizations coupled with other factors have allowed me to reach this conclusion with some confidence.  But despite this, there is still pain in growing up and still sadness in leaving something I loved behind.  I have met some of the most amazing people along the way, people that have thoroughly enriched my life and have made me a better person for knowing them.  As excited, as I am to start something new, I have moments of sadness realizing that this chapter in my life is coming to a close.   I think this is me growing up. It is the realization of what I really want out of life.   Music will always be a part of me and I will always value my time as a music student, but its time for something else. 

Many people wont understand, and that’s okay. I’m not turning my back on my art form; I am simply expanding my focus and realizing more of my potential.  

To all my dear friends that have supported me in my pursuit of music… thank you.