Learning to drive

Learning to drive standard has unearthed similarities to learning how to sing.  When I would be instructed to "feel" my way to understanding a broad concept through descriptions I didn't full comprehend or understand, I felt compelled to critically examine the ideas and force my way into understanding.   I have learned however, that sometimes, it is when we force understanding that we grind gears, lurch forward and stall.  I believe that a lot of learning is trusting your instincts and doing our best to not over examine.  This tendency in myself,  is the underlying reason for my failed attempts yesterday, to move forward in traffic, during rush hour, on the busiest street in Vernon.   As my face flushed as red as my little Echo hatchback,  the knots in my stomach tightened as I lurched forward in a most ungraceful way in front of countless strangers.   This performance anxiety was nearly debilitating.  

I spent the last four years over analyzing myself and discovering the deepest cracks and forms of weakness in myself as I strived for perfection.   So often we don't allow ourselves to be beginners - or even amateurs.   We see the bar raised by those around us and expect to somehow bypass the learning stage, and the seemingly right of passage to fail frequently in the beginning.   But I am discovering it is in those failures that we learn the most about ourselves, and our tendencies.   I discovered today after forcing myself to drive to work, that the errors I made yesterday were little and easily corrected.    My blood pressure still rises at the thought of making my way home, but the small victories are badges of honour that I need to wear more proudly as I discover my ability to drive standard.

Life is a learning process... no one enters this life a professional human being.  Everyone is figuring things out as they go.  The key is to never stop learning in our successes and our failures.

Life is... weird

Life is weird… or maybe life decisions are weird.   I’m wrestling with a reality I don’t  recognize.   I feel as though I’ve walked through a portal that has transported me into adult hood, but part of me is still living as a teen, and the inertia of the duelling realities is disorienting.   

I opened my mouth to sing this afternoon… this task proved uncomfortable, fearsome and yet familiar at the same time.   As I struggled to reintroduce myself to this distant love, I felt my heart strings pull in separate directions.   I long for simplicity and direction however mindless it is, however I still crave distinctive and deliberate change.  

Life is weird.   The closer I examine this daily walk, the deeper this sentiment settles.   We try with great effort to reduce the surprises and stresses of life, but the reality is that those curves in the road are inevitable.   

I look at where I am right now in this moment and have split-second second-takes that transport me back to life 2 years ago.   I forget for a minuscule moment that I am not on the same road I was once on.   I have come to terms with this, but this realization is - for lack of a better word- disorienting.  

As I fumble around and struggle to find my footing, I trace over the lines of my life with a critical finger. I become well aware of my faults and flaws and the overwhelming stretch of expanse that lays before me and separates me from my goals and dreams.   I talk to myself and say, “well I’d better get a move on”  or “I must start now.”   These catch phrases have been the fuel in my tank, and the determination to succeed is my drive.   

Life is weird... but perhaps the sooner we realize this the sooner we can move on and embrace the strange and unpredictable.