butterflies

Old thoughts I stumbled upon. Interesting idea.  

I wish that I could stuff all these feelings and butterflies in a jar, twist the lid on tight and then bury them deep in the forest.   Perhaps something good would grow from them.   Or perhaps, they would poison the trees around them leaving them to suffer alone too. These feelings can’t live here anymore.   My mind has moved on.   I want to release them and feel freedom once again.  But there is a string that hasn’t been severed between us.  Maybe it is the one last thread of hope that I couldn’t cut ties with.    I didn’t release all the butterflies that would swarm and swoon when you came in to the room, or touch my hand.   I guess I kept one or two.   I regret that decision now, because of the realization that all I have now are the memories, and those I can’t laugh with, hold, or kiss.  I am alone with only my butterflies.    

Tech-no? Tech-yes?

The gentle hum of my computer and the intermittent pulse of cars sloshing by on the wet pavement accompany my thoughts.  I’m restless, though the world it would seem, is not.   I believe my generation is on the brink of an epidemic, a social epidemic. I find myself in a world that relies on invisible threads that ties us all together, that have somehow have made us dull to the concept of real life communication.   Not the 2014 kind of communication where our thoughts and feelings are sent out into the world via keys or tapping on a glass keyboards, but the communication of days gone by, where conversations were met with invested interest and desire to truly get to know someone, discuss thoughts and ideas or share stories.   Have these gadgets that have become an added appendage created a void where this skill once was? Sitting around the dinner table with colleagues after a successful event, I was a dumbstruck at what was taking place.    Instead of opening up discussion and debate dozens of cellphones were being used to communicate across the table.   We find ourselves joking that this will be the way of communication of the future, but isn’t it already?    How often do we find out selves in the middle of a real life conversation when that little chime interrupts us mid-sentence and suddenly the virtual discussion takes precedence?

 For the first time in history our culture is relying heavily on dating websites to seam together the patches of our inability to step outside of ourselves and take the risk of living in reality.  Instead virtually we can take a less invested risk and tip toe into a shopping center of potential mates. What did love look like 50 years ago?     Before cellphones facebook and online dating barged on the scene and reshaped the look of courtship. 

For the traditionalist in me, technology has cast a shadow of doubt over my love story.  But I know the reality is that many people have discovered lasting, and meaningful relationships through this means of communication.  And thankfully, as a student who is two provinces away from the friends and family I love, the internet has made the world a smaller place.   It is just a wish, perhaps a naïve and whimsical wish that romance looked the way it did before all this gadgetry became a vital component to surviving. in the 21st century.   

 

Worth the time

This blog has been brewing in my mind for a little while now.  I am writing this as a reminder to myself, that nothing worthwhile ever comes easy.  It will always take either patience, diligence or sacrifice. This I have found to be true with all areas of life.   Sometimes there is pain involved... sometimes it is simply an inconvenience.  But always, the "worthwhile" things require compensation.    
I am convinced that the things you really want from life require work.   For some reason our culture has began to program us, to believe that things can happen over night.   With shows like American Idol, or America's Next Top Model people go from unknown to superstar in an extremely short period of time.  This is a false perspective of how things really occur in this game called life.    For 99% of us, we will be required to sacrifice and put the time in to get the prize.  

Talking to a singer friend of mine, she was commenting on "things that people say to singers"  one of the catch-phrases being, "you have such incredible natural talent." This rubbed her the wrong way. For the untrained ear this could easily be assumed.  Let me tell you, however, this girl clocks more hours in the practice than anyone I know.  She lives and breathes her craft.  Her talent was earned through endless hours of lessons and rehearsals.   Granted, she very likely had a gem of an instrument to begin with but always there is hard work involved when honing a craft. 

I think that Edison sums it up in this quote:

                            opportunity is missed by most because it is dressed
                                         in overalls and looks like work.

Embrace the journey, embrace the process.   Product without process will wither and fade because it doesn't have the foundation of time to root it.   


Words of Wisdom: 

"Don't practice your art, but force your way into its secrets for it and knowledge can raise men to divine."   - L.V. Beethoven

"Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back everything is different?" - C.S. Lewis

"Be so good they can't ignore you."  - Steve Martin

"We are shaped and fashioned by what we love."  - Goethe

"Never give up on a dream just because it will take time to accomplish it. The time will pass anyway."  -Earl Nightingale

What comes easy wont last, what lasts wont come easy. 

On the subject of 500 miles.

On the subject of 500 miles.

I opened my eyes to a dull room, sensing that the sky outside was grey and that the air in my room was cold.  I sighed, and inhaled confidently, thinking, “I am going to be okay.”  My feet felt the ground, and my day began.

The skies were grey today, but were sprinkling snow that sparkled like glitter as it was lifted and twirled around the air.   I briskly walked from point a. to point b. this morning noticing the frozen flecks that fluttered around me.  With each foot step on the hard packed snow emphasizing the rhythm in my ears of The Proclaimer’s song 500 miles, “this song has grown up with me” I thought as the words played in my mind.

I remember listening to the catchy melody as a kid, loving the image of an man walking 500 miles through the green grassy Scottish highlands along a gravel road.  At the time that image was enough to satisfy me.

To anyone else this pilgrimage would be an exhausting journey, but the man in my mind was energetic and full of purpose until his very last mile. Now I see him reaching his destination, his goal...his girl.  For anyone that this song doesn’t immediately start to play in their mind, the lyrics proclaim the following:

 

When I wake up, well I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who wakes up next to you.
When I go out, yeah I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you.

If I get drunk, well I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who gets drunk next to you.
And if I haver, yeah I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who's haverin' to you.

But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walked 1000 miles
To fall down at your door

When I'm workin', yes I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who's workin' hard for you.
And when the money comes in for the work I'll do
I'll pass almost every penny on to you.

When I come home (when I come home), oh I know I'm gonna be 'I'm gonna be the man who comes back home to you.
And if I grow old, well I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who's growing old with you.

But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walked 1000 miles
To fall down at your door

Da da-da da (da da-da da)
Da da-da da (da da-da da)

When I'm lonely, well I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man whose lonely without you.
And when I'm dreamin', well I know I'm gonna dream
I'm gonna dream about the times when I'm with you.

When I go out (when I go out), well I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you.
And when I come home (when I come home), yes I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who comes back home to you.
I'm gonna be the man who's comin' home to you.

But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walked 1000 miles
To fall down at your door

Da da-da da (da da-da da)
Da da-da da (da da-da da)

And I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walked 1000 miles
To fall down at your door

It dawned on me this morning as my fingers began to chill and I crossed the icy road toward point b. that I want someone to believe that I am worth walking 1000 miles for, even hypothetically. The song coming to an end and my destination in sight, the anticipation of warmth hurried my step. I breathed in the icy air one last time before again entering human temperatures and wondered as the cold air was behind me, if it is for the best that you let me go.
 

A week ago after a challenging sermon at church, I had this image come to mind: 
A small wooden boat, with room for two, sits in the middle of an expanse of water. As it sits nowhere of importance, it half-heartedly is serving its purpose of being adrift. Without the effort of paddling it will go nowhere, and will not fulfill what it was designed to do.   A relationship requires effort to see beyond what is within the current scope otherwise it will be dragged to shore to sit lifelessly. I am still sitting in that boat wondering why I didn’t notice that you weren’t paddling.
While realising that I was so invested, I didn’t see that my most important relationship was moving closer and closer to shore as a result of my lack of attention.  

Why would anyone choose to live in Winnipeg?

Some might wonder why anyone would chose to live in a place that confines you to the in doors for half the year  And for a 1/4 of the months not oppressed by the freezing temperatures, the time is spent battling grey, muddy roads, while the rest of the country is enjoying the first fruits of spring.  The final quarter, the summer months, are infested with bird sized mosquitos and scorching hot temperatures.   Moving to Winnipeg to complete my degree, I had very low expectation for the city.  But since September I can say that Winnipeg has pleasantly surprised me.   

The city is constantly in action, there is always something to see or do.   Between the Royal Winnipeg Ballet and the city's endless supply of festivals a weekend should never be dull.   My favorite treasure that I've discovered about this city is their endless trails for skating.   Growing up in Mountainous BC the idea of trail skating was foreign to me.  But omigoodness, I spent an hour and a half skating - trails.  This blew my mind!   I wasn't confined to a hockey rink, which for me grows dull very quickly. The city has decked out the trails with beautiful lights and on really cold days warming huts.  Bring a flask of hot baileys et voila the night of skating turns into a party.  

On the Manitoba licence plate is says, "Friendly Manitoba." This isn't a bold or obnoxious statement, I have found that people really do live up to that title.   I had one experience when I was flying back to BC where I sat beside an older gentleman who grew up in Winnipeg.   He jumped provinces to enjoy a more mild climate in his retirement, and said this of Winnipeg, "If I were to ever be stuck on the side of the road, I hope I am in Manitoba, because you wouldn't just get picked up within a few minute and dropped off, they'd probably take you home and feed you first, after ensuring that your car was towed."   I like that about Manitoba.   Everyone seems to have the same mentality in regards to being a good neighbor.   There is something down to earth about that, that reflects the city so well. 

My one complaint about living in Manitoba is the weather, which really is the main reason I think why Manitoba gets such a bad rap.   It cannot be controlled and because of this it limits not only fun activities, (Side note: whenever I say that word I immediately think of Step Brothers) and...DUN DUN DUN, clothing choices. (ahoo...#firstwordproblems)   Being from B.C, where rarely you are limited in what you can wear it usually comes down to the question to wear a raincoat or not to wear a rain coat?   That really is the question, and would be the hardest decision in the Bc'ers morning. In the case of "not to wear a rain coat"  you use an umbrella!   Ahh.. we BC'ers have it so easy!!     Winnipeg has literally cramped my style.   I really like getting dressed up and putting a little effort in... but having that come across in Winnipeg is challenging.  So I've been pondering making a list of the necessities to live and function in Winnipeg according to me.  The first list doesn't leave a lot of room for creative expression... the second is my ideal mild-winter day wear. 

For the fiercely Cold Days:
Sorel's 
Wool Socks
Long Underwear
Mittens- not gloves.   (and mittens inside of gloves are counterproductive, I learned that the hard way) 
A warm WIND proof jacket
Scarf
Toque
Handwarmers

Cold-Sunny Days: (When the temperature warms up a bit you start to have more clothing options- Horay!)  
Leather boots - flat (Snow is slippery :O) (Since this is in an ideal (dream) world, Tory Burch, or Fry's)
Wool Socks
Wool Coat ( lets say... Burberry)
Scarf (Alexander McQueen?  Burberry again... or....HERMES!) 
Leather Gloves (Kate Spade, sure why not?!)
Louis Vuitton Never Full...

Moral of the story- your situation is what you make of it.  Perspective is everything.   The magical things about Winnipeg that I just can't get enough of are the old brick buildings that tell of a time when precision and care was put into tiny detail work, the epic pink sunsets that seem to last for hours, and the clear nights where the stars are so crystal clear.   Its finding the little things and letting them be big. 

Happy Wednesday

hide and seek

Even among the mountains and trees I cannot hide from you.  In my safe haven you linger, in the air I breathe, and in the wind that rustles through the trees. Thoughts of you are like the wind, I cannot see them coming and yet they move me. These thoughts betray me. I am not the same because of you. Credit I wish I didn't have to give, but here I am with an inability to silence my thoughts of you. 

 

 

Another year over...

Another year has flown by, and looking back I can see a year filled with change, excitement, worry, stress, good memories and hard decisions.   2013 had me running from the get-go with very little down time, and flew by accordingly.    My new years last year was spent creating this blog, as exciting as that was, made me think this year was going to be quite a little dull.  It has been anything but dull.   Looking back I’ve realized that the challenges in 2013 forced me to make hard decisions, dragged me through difficulty situations while also pushing me outside of my comfort zone.   2013 taught me: 

The importance of "down-time" is invaluable.   Pencil it in. 

Don't be fooled by a beautiful summer and fall - winter will come - it always comes.

Hurt comes in a variety of shapes and sizes, colors and hues, textures and finishes.   It isn't a one size fits all-appropriate for all situations kind of feeling. Even if you think you can expect to foresee the depth of your hurt - it will have more dimension to it upon closer examination.   

Put yourself out there - play the interviewer in just about all situations.   Talking to real people is more satisfying than talking to people via technology.

Never ever (never) take the mountains or ocean for granted.  
Missing someone is like being parched.  And rejection is a bitter taste that lingers.

It is really important to get out of the city for perspective and to watch the sunset. 

We become accustomed responding to an apology with , "it's ok."  that is some ways can justify the wrong doing... We have allowed the phrase, " I forgive you" to be phased out of our colloquial language.  those are three importance words.

People make stupid decisions which lead to stupid mistakes - chalk it up to human nature.

I am wondering now if first impressions are always right.  

A relationship that was cut quickly and abruptly leaves frayed ends that perhaps in time will unravel what is left of the relationship, and in time the ability to look back on it will reveal some good.

Distance and time really do make the heart grow fonder.  
"Worry creeps in sometimes unnoticed, almost in disguise.   It is cloaked as the unknown in a thoughts of the future. Maybe people might suggest to avoid these types of thoughts, to just dwell day to day.   I am not that kind of person, and realistically...who is?    Don't we all have to put one foot in front of the other anticipating another step?   Little thoughts of wonder that dig to form holes called worry can be dangerous to ones subconscious.   I try to hold loosely to this "w-word" that comes up constantly.   Often it is easier said than done.

It is hard sometimes to fully risk ones heart be it for someone, or something.   So why do we do it?   Because the reward is worthy of the risk.  I thinks sometimes we stand on the edge of a decision or commitment afraid to throw ourselves in for fear that we might fail miserably and/or that our hearts wouldn't recover.   I tend to keep one foot out at all times, just as a precautionary measure.   But what if I never know life's greatest thrills because of this worry that something might go wrong?"


Practice/write/read/rehearse earlier on in the semester.  Do the grunt work early.Look for good in each day - even the grey, -47 ones.
Hold on to thoughts that encourage and lift you up and disregard thoughts that drag down.

Dear 2014
You are going to be the year of Adventure.  I am going to seek and find adventure (even in Winterpeg. )  I am going to surprise myself with diligence to practice and study harder than I have ever before.   I am going to feel accomplished vocally.    This year I am going to dive deeper in to relationships and seek out opportunities to bless those around me.   I want to let go of my insecurities and learn to trust people and myself.   I want to feel healthy, strong, and accomplished this year.   I want to pour myself into what I love.   2014 I plan to make you one of my best years yet.  


Alexa




Happy 2014.