I am not sure what hurt more, hearing that the love of my
life didn’t love me like he did before, or slipping off the ring that
symbolized a promise of marriage to him. Through soggy eyes I forced my foot to accelerate down the road away
from him, feeling like I was leaving the air I needed to breathe with him. This time it was different than the times before, I didn’t know if I’d ever see him again. I descended down the hill and pulled over
towards the shade where I wept. The
sting of what just happened was replenished when he drove past me.
I keep reviewing the last two months, over and over in my
head… I’m trying to figure out where we
went wrong. What was the cause of this
heartache? I try to understand that life
has situated us both in our own storms that we have to navigate through. The storm for me left me feeling like I simply
wanted a co captain and someone to share the burden with. For him, I think I became
the burden, and he wanted to manage the storm on his own. I ache from head to toe at this
realisation. I didn’t realise the
intensity of pain that a broken heart bares.
What makes this worse, is the reflection back a week, and
feeling so confident and happy in this relationship. Does that make me blind? Or does that make him a brilliant actor? Or does that mean that we really were
happy? I ache so deeply at the thought
of not having him in my life. I don’t
understand it.
A year ago there was so much confidence between the two of
us. He was invincible in my eyes. Life, as it does, changed and forced us to
adapt, reshaping the way our relationship looked. After eight months of distance, the return
home, which should have been happy, became tension-filled. We couldn’t find our footing. There was something in the way. I felt like a wall was put up between him
and I. I couldn’t scale it, I couldn’t
knock it down, I don’t even know if I knew it was there until it was too
late.
Together, we discovered the wall and worked to tear it
down. I think we got ¾ of the way through
it, but a little still remained, that distanced us from each other.
My finger feels naked.
Or maybe it’s more like a phantom limb.
I forget that it’s gone and still gingerly wash my hair or manoeuvre
with anything. I look and expect to see
it there, much like I still expect to hear from him throughout the day, or to feel that love again, my fingers still go to play with it, or protect it. I feel as though I’ve gone through some
strange tunnel in life, and found myself right back where I started a year ago.
This summer has been a disaster in many ways… I naively walked into it with the
anticipation of a wedding, and a happy marriage. I remember arriving home and was anxious to
go and try on my wedding dress that I loved, and was so excited about him
seeing me in. Life threw too many curve
balls at me this summer, and I wasn’t carefree…
life threw him curve balls too and He wasn’t either. I felt like we were just starting to understand each other, and how we processed these stresses when 'we' were cut off. I had so much hope, despite the challenges we had previously faced.
Realizing now, my life has completely changed; I want nothing
more than to wake up from this nightmare.
I want to feel whole again. Or maybe,
I just woke up from a dream… a dream
where I met someone that made me feel alive and so loved, he wanted no one but
me.
I’m now journeying down a road I don’t know… a road that twists and turns through memories
I can’t face with out threatening tears.
A road that feels like I am walking alone. I know God has a plan and a purpose for me,
and that I will love again. I just can’t
see it, or believe it right now. I want
to have unmoveable faith that stands firm in this storm. I want so badly to simply be brave.
The image that has continually returned throughout this heartache is the image of the ocean... it's crashing waves that carry so much force they can knock you down, much like the waves that crash over me from time to time as reminders of his absence pass by me. The image of Jesus calling me out onto the water, to a place that is unknown and fearful, where I have no option but to trust. He and I discovered the worship song Oceans together, and now it has become my theme song.
Grief is the last act of love we have to give those we loved.
Where there is deep grief there was great love.
- FB Blowing
I am not going to be bitter, I am not going to hold onto resentment. I am choosing to love despite my heartache. I am praying that God's grace will flow through me and make this journey maybe not easier, but just allow me to have peace, and the ability to trust in his perfect will. There is so much truth to - when life knocks you on your knees you have nowhere to look but up.
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