confession

After a failed attempt at a work out, I sat alone in a silent sauna sweating out my stress, and worry. As my restless mind slowly began to quiet I pressed forward in prayer, and prayed the words I’ve prayed a seemingly infinite number of times over my lifetime. I prayed quietly for direction and wisdom to know how to navigate life’s decisions, and demands.  Twenty minutes later I found myself surrounded by a cacophony of voices that swirled around me as I sat silently at the upright piano pressed against a white wall.   I couldn’t sing. But the practice rooms were a live with song.  Feeling heavy and overwhelmed by life, the voices I heard through those walls, each singing their unique song created soundtrack for my life in that moment.   The music didn’t make sense in the bigger picture, but upon a closer listen, and focusing on one song at a time, they created a beautiful piece of art.   There is an analogy in there somewhere.   

I gathered my will to go outside into the cold. I armed myself in my battle gear of a parka and gloves and then forced my feet out the doors.  As I walked I prayed, confessing my disorientation and humbly admitting I don’t know.  A few moments later I felt a still small voice reassure me… “ I know.”   

God lets us fall on our knees so we have no other choice but to look up.   He is our strength when we are weak, he is direction when we have none, and our purpose and hope when we feel purposeless or hopeless.  I forget sometime how invested He is in my life, and the lives of those I care about.   He wants to be apart of every single aspect, and beyond that he wants to be in control.  Sometimes very hard to relinquish control but that is when I think, our relationship makes the most sense.  

performance anxiety

Performance anxiety. 

My palms feel as though there is an electrical current flowing through them, sometimes they go tingly. I feel aware of my feet on solid ground and yet my mind feels as though it resides on a cloud.  I watch as the words I’m about to sing run through my head, and the anxious electrical current strikes my body like lightening.  The nervous energy I feel manifests itself in my breath and heart beat.  If I am not conscious of my breath, my breathing becomes shallow and rapid, while my heart rate accelerates to marathon speeds.  To combat this physical sense of panic pounding in my chest I focus on the rhythm of the air entering and escaping my lungs.  With each inhale the rhythm in my chest began to slow and slowly my mind begins to float to solid ground, and the racing thoughts slow to a walk.   I used the power of my breath to battle any nervous energy I felt prior to walking myself on stage,  to perform my minute long song.   As I settled in the center of the stage I still felt the threat of being knocked from my center by the pounding of my heart against my chest.  I took a slow breath in, exhaled and cleared by head of any worry.    This was not the time to reflect, or recap.   At this moment, it felt like bungee jumping backwards. I had to trust the free fall and the strength of the cord attached to my feet anchoring me to the stage.   That moment of “free falling” is the moment that ties my heartstrings to the extreme sport of performance.   I often forget why I subject myself to the anxiety and stress that comes hand in hand with preparation for placing myself on a stage.  But the gentle reminder of performing is one that I feel is equally as essential to the battle of performance anxiety, as deep breathing or feeling grounded.   Without purpose, why battle at all? 

transitions

Christmas has come and gone... the whirlwind has settled.   What is the most wonderful time of the year, is also the most busy and stressful.   Every year we try to do Christmas better, we buy presents in advance to avoid the chaotic christmas shoppers, we pre plan dinners, and deck the halls early.  But it doesn't seem to matter, there is always an element of frantic that envelopes the holidays.   I'm okay with that, because Christmas means that I am with my family and for a few short days all other worries dissipate and settle to the back of my mind.  



The harsh reality of "no longer Christmas"  began to set in as my fiance and I (yes Fiance!  My super cute man-friend proposed!!! best Christmas present ever!)...I digress...were driving through a world of white maneuvering the terrifyingly slick roads from BC to Alberta to start the new year officially    Noticing how the snow seemed to trace the outline of everything, the world was a winter play land.  For some reason when it snows in BC it seems cute now in comparison to Winnipeg, however this last snow storm has given Manitoba a run for its money.  

The drive, consisting of 2 bathroom breaks, 2 scratch cards, a box of Timbits and two coffees was the physicality of transitioning from home to-- not home.  I braced myself through out the drive as my mind transition from Christmas bliss in BC to second semester sensibility that I’ve become accustom to in Winnipeg.  This transition topped off with resolutions and goals for the New Year in addition to the plan to plan a wedding has both given me a sense of purpose and determination to survive another winter, all the while completely intimidating me.  

From the safety comfort and warmth of home, to the demanding, treacherous cold terrain of Winnipeg, I have to push forward towards a faceless goal.  I know am so blessed to have people in my life that love and support me, and make challenges in life manageable.  Despite a less than easy ease into the semester, I'm hopeful for a happy, healthy, productive, purposeful semester. Prayers, encouragement, and hugs are always welcome.