I turn to writing to fill a void and to organize. This blank space becomes my worksheet to sift
through tangled thoughts that cloud my judgement or weigh me down. This process of stringing together words,
words that alone mean very little, but together have the power to tell my
untold stories give me consolation. I
have found that writing when life is good, becomes a chore, but when life
throws a curve ball I can seek shelter in words. I guess this process resembles prayer, in
that generally we only find ourselves on our knees if life put us there. This last chapter of my life has formed cracks in my foundation, and highlighted troubles that I was previously unaware
of. And like any soldier, I pressed on,
and fought on, knowing that this battle needed to be fought in order for the
victory I wanted so badly, I hurt. We
suffer and search for meaning, and seek it out the strangest of places, only to
discover that what we are searching for isn’t there.
Life… that four letter word that seems to have infinite
definitions; the life we want, the life we have… the life we covet, life given,
life taken, a lifelong pursuit. What I know now is that it isn’t fair. We suffer and
search for it’s meaning, and seek it out in the strangest of places, only to discover
that it isn’t there.
Life is
hard... Its luster has worn off this summer. I feel I am finally growing up.
I'm all too aware of its many flaws and the need for something consistent in
this ever-changing world we live in. Things I thought could never hurt me have
let me down, they've broken my heart, tried to ruin my spirit and made me all
too aware of our humanity. We are not perfect beings, and because of
this, we are flaw ridden and have the capacity to hurt those we love the most.
It's felt lately like my heart has been wrung dry.
I am disoriented and wounded, which makes taking a step forward
challenging. Maybe now is one of those times where I need to simply be
carried by a savior that loves me, who will bare my burden with me and give me
the strength I need, moment to moment. Despite the immeasurable hurt I
feel, I sense God is moving. He's shaping me and giving me a small current of
peace at the center of this tumultuous storm I am navigating through.
photo cred: DawsonFriesen.com
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